Finding Joy in the Rain.

Last spring semester way by far my lowest point in college. Spiritually, emotionally, physically... I was a was a hott mess. I had to redefine normal after I came back from a semester in Costa Rica and I didn't do a very good job. Actually, I really really sucked at it. Looking back, I don't think the Lord has ever carried me the way he did during those few months. I told him I didn't want to be in Belton, so he provided me a job that made me love it here. I told him I felt alone, so he provided me with some of the most authentic friendships I've ever had. But I couldn't feel God, so I didn't attribute those things to him. All I could think about was myself. I did some stupid stuff that really screwed up those friendships and hurt the people I loved. But in those moments of selfishness and anger and depression, Jesus kept blessing me. He should have been cursing me, but he continued to carry me and bless me. The grace I got from the friends I hurt was prob...

Sometimes. But for real. Last Christmas Eve I wrote in my journal, "I think i'd rather not celebrate it".  You might not believe me. I wouldn't blame you. My favorite movie of all times is Elf, I put up my Christmas tree this year before Halloween, I've worn my tacky Christmas sweater twice this week just because I really like it, and I have an Will Ferrell "Elf" bobblehead that I carry around with me every time I leave the country.  Soooooo really you have no reason at all to come to think of me as a Grinch when it comes to Christmas, but sometimes I wish Christmas wasn't a thing.  Two of my last three Christmases I spent in a hotel room in East Asia. There were no presents, none of my Grammy's delicious cream puffs, and only a two minute phone call with my family in the states. I think those were two of the best days of my life. This isn't my attempt at trying to convict you for buying too many presents. I'm not pos...

I like to run away from hard things. It's my favorite way of dealing with them. Avoidance avoidance avoidance. At the end of the day (or week or month...) I generally end up doing the right thing, but more often than I should I end up taking the long way to get there. It's definitely one of my biggest faults. I can easily think of three important things in my life right now that I've put off for far too long. I know exactly what I need to do about each of them, and I know exactly what it will take to bring me peace. But it's hard and I hate it. Soooo instead of being a mature responsible Christian about them, i've been avoiding them and running away. So far so good? Nope. Not at all. Running away is exhausting. I didn't really feel like going to church last week. Feel free to judge me for that. I went anyways, but I was really distracted throughout the entire service. First off because the poor kid in front of me kept puking in the middle of worship, and...

I'm sitting at Starbucks drinking a salted caramel mocha, reading Philippians and watching the rain trickle down the perfectly large windows. Today is my favorite kind of day and although I have a million things to do, none of them seem quite as important as taking time out of my day to be at peace.  But i'm not quite at peace. At least, not at peace in the way I thought I would be.  Allow me to explain. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have told you with overwhelming excitement that after I graduate college in December I will be working as a Social Worker. Although I'm usually the type to be extremely indecisive, this plan sort of fell into my lap and it seemed perfect and beautiful and I had no reason at all to question it. But who am I trying to kid here...? If you know me at all you know that I am still indecisive and I never make a decision without considering at least 7 other options. So naturally, just as I was starting to feel comfortable w...

Have you ever yelled at God? It's something I've gotten rather good at these past couple of months... Honestly? I recommend it. It's weird because I very rarely get mad and it's even more rare for me to yell at somebody. I'll get annoyed or sad... but mad? Almost never. Yet here I am... in my car... sitting in front of Home Depot after just having spent my drive here yelling at God. I might should say "yelling to" God instead of "yelling at" him. I'm not actually mad at God. He's just the one that gets the joy (and by joy, I mean the curse) of knowing and hearing my every thought and emotion. Today I'm yelling at God because I'm an idiot and I think I know what's best for me... Typical. But a beautiful thing about knowing God is that he would rather me be screaming & crying to him, than not talking to him at all. Recently, I've been begging God to take a specific struggle from me. I've been pretty desperate t...

I work at an emergency and homeless shelter for kids in foster care and for kids whose parents don't want them. These are some of my summer memories.  Sometimes I get off work and I scream and I cry and I yell at God. Sometimes I get off work and my heart is so full and happy that my 30 minute ride home is full of worship music and thankfulness. And sometimes--most of the time-I get off work and all I want to do is sit in my room and cry. I'm shaking as I stand between a 15 and 17 year old cussing me out and screaming at each other and me as I try to keep them separated. They've been yelling at each other for the past 30 minutes and at this point I'm not sure anymore how to diffuse the situation. They are both at least 5 inches and 50 pounds heavier than me. I pretend to be the adult in the situation, but I am very aware that these two could easily knock me out... I made it a personal goal to try and bridge the gap between my world and yours. I felt successful the...

        Today was a day like every other day. You woke up and decided that you were going to make it and that you were going to be okay. You succeeded. As you walk in the front door to your home you breathe a sigh of relief that the day is over.  Tonight is like every other night.  You're alone in your room and you start to think.          You feel inadequate. You aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, or talented enough. Maybe you have wonderful friends, or maybe you wish you had more, but at the end of the day you feel completely and utterly alone. You sit down and ask yourself what would bring you peace. Being well known? Being more athletic, more involved, having more money, or being skinnier? You think back to the things you've chased in the past. Were you truly satisfied when you were 10 pounds lighter, played sports, and had money? When you're completely honest with yourself you realize that even in those moments you felt like...