Last spring semester way by far my lowest point in college. Spiritually, emotionally, physically... I was a was a hott mess. I had to redefine normal after I came back from a semester in Costa Rica and I didn't do a very good job. Actually, I really really sucked at it.
Looking back, I don't think the Lord has ever carried me the way he did during those few months. I told him I didn't want to be in Belton, so he provided me a job that made me love it here. I told him I felt alone, so he provided me with some of the most authentic friendships I've ever had. But I couldn't feel God, so I didn't attribute those things to him. All I could think about was myself. I did some stupid stuff that really screwed up those friendships and hurt the people I loved. But in those moments of selfishness and anger and depression, Jesus kept blessing me. He should have been cursing me, but he continued to carry me and bless me. The grace I got from the friends I hurt was probably the strongest human picture of grace that I have ever experienced. But even then, I didn't feel God.
I think the biggest thing I learned in 2013 was how to be steadfast. As often happens with me, I learned it by failing at it. I forgot that love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment. I stopped clinging on to the joy that comes only with knowing Jesus, and I started relying on people and my job to keep me going.
In that time, I was never satisfied. Those authentic relationships and my great job were never enough... but when I hit rock bottom and I finally stopped fighting and yelling at God, he still wanted me. I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis's quote from Mere Christianity.
"The great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."
So to you who are struggling to feel God, remember that he will never let you go. And even in your running from him, he will continue to carry you and bless you. "If we are faithless, he remains faithful-for he cannot deny himself" 2 Timothy 2:13.
"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish but that all should reach repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9.
Stop running. Jesus is better.
Looking back, I don't think the Lord has ever carried me the way he did during those few months. I told him I didn't want to be in Belton, so he provided me a job that made me love it here. I told him I felt alone, so he provided me with some of the most authentic friendships I've ever had. But I couldn't feel God, so I didn't attribute those things to him. All I could think about was myself. I did some stupid stuff that really screwed up those friendships and hurt the people I loved. But in those moments of selfishness and anger and depression, Jesus kept blessing me. He should have been cursing me, but he continued to carry me and bless me. The grace I got from the friends I hurt was probably the strongest human picture of grace that I have ever experienced. But even then, I didn't feel God.
I think the biggest thing I learned in 2013 was how to be steadfast. As often happens with me, I learned it by failing at it. I forgot that love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment. I stopped clinging on to the joy that comes only with knowing Jesus, and I started relying on people and my job to keep me going.
In that time, I was never satisfied. Those authentic relationships and my great job were never enough... but when I hit rock bottom and I finally stopped fighting and yelling at God, he still wanted me. I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis's quote from Mere Christianity.
"The great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."
So to you who are struggling to feel God, remember that he will never let you go. And even in your running from him, he will continue to carry you and bless you. "If we are faithless, he remains faithful-for he cannot deny himself" 2 Timothy 2:13.
"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish but that all should reach repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9.
Stop running. Jesus is better.
On a lighter note... A lot of this year has been SO INCREDIBLY PERFECT.
What did you learn this year?
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