Finding Joy in the Rain.

I'm sitting at Starbucks drinking a salted caramel mocha, reading Philippians and watching the rain trickle down the perfectly large windows. Today is my favorite kind of day and although I have a million things to do, none of them seem quite as important as taking time out of my day to be at peace.  But i'm not quite at peace. At least, not at peace in the way I thought I would be.  Allow me to explain. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have told you with overwhelming excitement that after I graduate college in December I will be working as a Social Worker. Although I'm usually the type to be extremely indecisive, this plan sort of fell into my lap and it seemed perfect and beautiful and I had no reason at all to question it. But who am I trying to kid here...? If you know me at all you know that I am still indecisive and I never make a decision without considering at least 7 other options. So naturally, just as I was starting to feel comfortable w...

Have you ever yelled at God? It's something I've gotten rather good at these past couple of months... Honestly? I recommend it. It's weird because I very rarely get mad and it's even more rare for me to yell at somebody. I'll get annoyed or sad... but mad? Almost never. Yet here I am... in my car... sitting in front of Home Depot after just having spent my drive here yelling at God. I might should say "yelling to" God instead of "yelling at" him. I'm not actually mad at God. He's just the one that gets the joy (and by joy, I mean the curse) of knowing and hearing my every thought and emotion. Today I'm yelling at God because I'm an idiot and I think I know what's best for me... Typical. But a beautiful thing about knowing God is that he would rather me be screaming & crying to him, than not talking to him at all. Recently, I've been begging God to take a specific struggle from me. I've been pretty desperate t...

I work at an emergency and homeless shelter for kids in foster care and for kids whose parents don't want them. These are some of my summer memories.  Sometimes I get off work and I scream and I cry and I yell at God. Sometimes I get off work and my heart is so full and happy that my 30 minute ride home is full of worship music and thankfulness. And sometimes--most of the time-I get off work and all I want to do is sit in my room and cry. I'm shaking as I stand between a 15 and 17 year old cussing me out and screaming at each other and me as I try to keep them separated. They've been yelling at each other for the past 30 minutes and at this point I'm not sure anymore how to diffuse the situation. They are both at least 5 inches and 50 pounds heavier than me. I pretend to be the adult in the situation, but I am very aware that these two could easily knock me out... I made it a personal goal to try and bridge the gap between my world and yours. I felt successful the...

        Today was a day like every other day. You woke up and decided that you were going to make it and that you were going to be okay. You succeeded. As you walk in the front door to your home you breathe a sigh of relief that the day is over.  Tonight is like every other night.  You're alone in your room and you start to think.          You feel inadequate. You aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, or talented enough. Maybe you have wonderful friends, or maybe you wish you had more, but at the end of the day you feel completely and utterly alone. You sit down and ask yourself what would bring you peace. Being well known? Being more athletic, more involved, having more money, or being skinnier? You think back to the things you've chased in the past. Were you truly satisfied when you were 10 pounds lighter, played sports, and had money? When you're completely honest with yourself you realize that even in those moments you felt like...

        I don't think the title for this post is fitting. Realistically, I don't know if at any point in the near future my Costa Rican experiences will be concluded. I think that this coming semester will teach me just as much about my faith, life, and living in a country other than the US as Costa Rica did. It's hard to come back. It's hard to look around and see the waste. It's hard that whether voluntary or involuntary, I am a part of that waste. It's also beautiful to come back. I don't really know what my new feelings of the word "blessed" are, but according to my pre-CR definition, I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to grow up the way I did. I've never known hunger, homelessness, or experienced a true depravation of a basic human need. I've never been forced to work 12 hours a day for $2, had to walk 2 miles to get a cup of water, or spent the day buying, killing and cooking a fresh chicken for dinner. I can easily see why many ...

Reverse culture shock. Oh my goodness. I never thought it could be so hard. I experienced minor culture shock when I first got to Costa Rica and when I came back to the States from traveling in the past... but I have never experienced culture shock like this. Everything is so hard.  I'm not used to people being on their phone when I'm talking to them. I constantly throw my toilet paper in the trash can instead of the toilet. What's a dishwasher? I'm horrrrible at making small talk. When I didn't have anything to say in spanish, I didn't talk. I have plans, and people expect me to be places on time. It's cold. Gross. I consistently think there is an earthquake. People in this country waste SO much electricity. People throw their food away if they don't want any more. I can't take a bus anywhere. :/ People complain. A lot. WASTE WASTE WASTE. It's overwhelming, it's hard, and it's resulted in me being a tad (very much) antisocial.  ...

I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. I don't want to leave. No quiero ir. :( It’s Saturday night. Which means I leave in the morning at 9am to head to San José. I’ll be there doing reorientation stuff with my classmates until Tuesday morning when my plane leaves at about 8am. I fly to Georgia and arrive in Texas around 5:30pm. I think that this will probably be my last post from the CR. This last week has gone fast. I’m still on an emotional roller coaster, but for the most part I’ve been dreading tomorrow. I know that once tomorrow morning comes it will hit me that I’m leaving and I’ll want to hurry up and be in Texas, but for now… I just don’t want to leave. Seriously. I really really really don’t want to leave. Of course I want to see everybody I miss, bu...