Sorry this is a tad depressing... (:
It's crazy how in one week your strength can diminish. It's crazy how much culture shock I feel like I'm experiencing right now. I literally feel like I'm in a different country.
I'm exhausted, worn out, run down, and weary. For the first time since I got here in August, I want to go home. The most frustrating thing is that I'm not sure why. Nothing bad has happened and I adore my family, but my head is so overwhelmed and I can't seem to find peace. I don't even know what I need. As I sit down and think about it, I can think of a few things that would make me feel this way. First off, I'm used to having a break from Spanish. For the past few months I've been with my gringo classmates at some point almost every day, and when I didn't understand something with my other family, they would know the word for it in English. The second thing would be my job. I really love love love the niños at the Pani, but it's just exhausting work. I can't understand the spanish of a 3 year old very well, there is literally nothing for us to play with so I'm running around all day long, and 8 hours alone with 12 kids is just exhausting. I don't say this to say that I couldn't see myself working at a place like this, I could, but the work of actually workers of the Pani looks very different (and equally exhausting I'm sure) that the work I am doing. I'm just not accustomed to it.
I really don't want to feel this way. I don't want to count the days until I come home because I really do love being here. I don't want to look back on this last month as something I was trying to "get through. No. I refuse to let that happen.
One of my favorite people texted me this morning and told me to read Philippians 3:4-14.
"Though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Not that I feel like I am suffering...-I recognize the difference between Paul and my situations, but reading this was such an encouragement to me today.
Soooo as I go through these next three weeks, I would love for you all to be praying for me. Please pray not just for strength, but for passion. I am so thankful to be here. I am so blessed and excited that God has granted me this opportunity, and I will not-WILL NOT waste this blessing. I know this is just a phase and that things are going to get better. Thank you again for the encouraging notes you have all sent me. They have been so helpful. I can't wait to see you all soon! (:
Give me Jesus.Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus.
It's crazy how in one week your strength can diminish. It's crazy how much culture shock I feel like I'm experiencing right now. I literally feel like I'm in a different country.
I'm exhausted, worn out, run down, and weary. For the first time since I got here in August, I want to go home. The most frustrating thing is that I'm not sure why. Nothing bad has happened and I adore my family, but my head is so overwhelmed and I can't seem to find peace. I don't even know what I need. As I sit down and think about it, I can think of a few things that would make me feel this way. First off, I'm used to having a break from Spanish. For the past few months I've been with my gringo classmates at some point almost every day, and when I didn't understand something with my other family, they would know the word for it in English. The second thing would be my job. I really love love love the niños at the Pani, but it's just exhausting work. I can't understand the spanish of a 3 year old very well, there is literally nothing for us to play with so I'm running around all day long, and 8 hours alone with 12 kids is just exhausting. I don't say this to say that I couldn't see myself working at a place like this, I could, but the work of actually workers of the Pani looks very different (and equally exhausting I'm sure) that the work I am doing. I'm just not accustomed to it.
I really don't want to feel this way. I don't want to count the days until I come home because I really do love being here. I don't want to look back on this last month as something I was trying to "get through. No. I refuse to let that happen.
One of my favorite people texted me this morning and told me to read Philippians 3:4-14.
"Though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Not that I feel like I am suffering...-I recognize the difference between Paul and my situations, but reading this was such an encouragement to me today.
Soooo as I go through these next three weeks, I would love for you all to be praying for me. Please pray not just for strength, but for passion. I am so thankful to be here. I am so blessed and excited that God has granted me this opportunity, and I will not-WILL NOT waste this blessing. I know this is just a phase and that things are going to get better. Thank you again for the encouraging notes you have all sent me. They have been so helpful. I can't wait to see you all soon! (:
"Give Me Jesus" by Jeremy Camp.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
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