I'm donating a kidney to celebrate recovering from an eating disorder.

I remember the first time I decided I was fat.

I was sitting in theater class in 9th grade and one of my classmates told me to hold my arm out in front of my body. When I did, they hit the skin under my upper arm and laughed as they watched it jiggle.
In that moment, I gained 50 pounds. That 5'3 110 pound high school freshman died, and a hypersensitive and self conscious version of myself peaked its evil head for the first time.

Although that was the moment my eating disorder (which I'll call Ed) took over, it wasn't the only thing that sparked an unhealthy view of myself. Years of comparison, losing a relationship with my father, and the decision to define my worth in the words of other people, collectively lead me to believe that I was fat, unloved, and that the worldly standards of beauty defined me. For the next 8+ years, Ed defined me. Above my relationships with people, and above my relationship with the Lord, Ed was most important thing in my life.

When I first stopped eating, my mother caught me. She put me in the car and drove me to starbucks where she proceeded to tell me she knew something was wrong. I lied. What else was there to do? Could she not see that I was fat? I promised to stop starving myself after she told me she'd take action if I didn't. It terrified me to think that people would know my secret.

Her intervention worked-for a little while. Although my loving momma had the best intentions, ultimately I had already surrendered myself to Ed. He had taken over my every thought and nobody was stopping him.

Ed took many different forms over the years. Sometimes he left me alone for months on end, and sometimes I couldn't go 10 minutes without thinking about him. Sometimes he would convince me to eat away the stress and then shame me and refuse to let me eat for days. Although I was determined to not let people know my secret, Ed was the thing that ruled me.

When I graduated college, things took a turn for the worse. Adulting was hard. Although I had the best support system, I had the post-graduation blues and the health problems I was having made me constantly sick.

Ed took advantage of this. He convinced me that I could lose weight without people asking questions. It sounded like a good idea to me. When I moved to Fort Worth for nursing school, I thought I was leaving him behind. I wanted a fresh start. I quickly realized that running away from your problems does not fix them.

I lost about 40 pounds in 3 months. I started developing bruising up and down my legs that was so bad I wouldn't wear shorts in public. I finally went to the doctor who told me that my blood wasn't clotting because I wasn't feeding my body. Psh. What did she know?

And then. It happened. I reached the magical number! Ed was happy, I was happy, everyone was happy!

HAH. It was all a lie. Ed told me it wasn't good enough, I was sicker than I'd ever been, and the promised satisfaction of the number on the scale wasn't there. Instead, I was lying to everyone I knew, failing out of nursing school, feeling like crap, and my blood wasn't clotting. Talk about a let down.

I got pretty mad at Ed after that. So mad in fact, that I finally told my best friend. Although I had told one other person before her, who did everything they could to help me, I downplayed my struggle because I wasn't ready to deal with it.

All of the freaking lies.

My best friend told me it had to stop. I was finally ready to listen. With her encouragement and prayers and by the grace of God, I decided to open up to one of the girls in my Bible study (community group) at Watermark Church in Fort Worth, Texas. I think it was the most freeing conversation I've ever had. Shortly after, I told the other 7 girls in my group. I was finally taking the control away from Ed.

The next several months were a series of ups and downs. Although I was ready to start giving up my eating disorder, I wasn't strong enough to do it for myself. I needed a motivation outside of myself. As I started praying about it, God brought me the idea of being a living kidney donor. In order to be a living kidney donor, I had to be completely healthy-not just for myself, but for the recipient as well.

With a newfound goal and the freedom I found in opening up to a christian support system, I began regaining my health. In God's perfect timing, he brought me a sweet women in need of a kidney. The past few months have been a series of tests to check for my health and compatibility with her. The day I got a clean bill of health from the doctor, I cried happy tears. Praise God.

On August 9th, 2016, just 6 days after graduating from nursing school (Praise the Lord for that too!!), I will be participating in a "kidney swap" with 5 other people: three people in need of kidneys, and two other living donors. Although I will not be donating directly to the sweet woman that God brought to me, I will be a part of her receiving a kidney and as a result 3 people will get kidneys and 6 lives will be forever changed!

I am in awe of this place that God has brought me. To the people that I have deceived over the years in regards to my health, I apologize from the deepest part of my heart and I ask for your forgiveness. Thank you for loving me always and for not giving up on me.

Please join me in praying for the upcoming surgeries of all 6 of the people involved in the kidney swap, and please join me in praising God for bringing me out of the darkest part of my life. What a testimony of the grace of God.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." -Psalm 40:2

"Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same."-Luke 3:11.
(I don't think kidney donation was a thing in the Bible days, but I'm pretty sure an extra kidney still applies.)

Thank you all for being on this journey with me. To God be the glory.