Finding Joy in the Rain.

I will never forget his name. The first one. The first man that died on my watch, under my care. I knew it was coming. I knew that working in the ER, it would be only a matter of time before it happened. Nonetheless, I dreaded the inevitable. The day was chaotic and I was overwhelmed. As a baby nurse, those feelings were not uncommon for me as I ran around trying to play catch up before the next wave of crazy hit. And then it happened. With little warning, I found myself gowned and gloved and attempting to do quality CPR on an individual that had just moments before been a stranger. "You need to go deeper and faster!", someone yelled. I was breathing hard, and my arms felt weak. I was frantically trying to do compressions to the ironic beat of the tune "ahh ahh ahh ahh staying alive, staying alive". I couldn't look him in the face. I didn't want to make it more real, more personal. Had it not been 2 minutes? How was I already so exhausted? Countless ...

For good news to be good, it has to invade dark places." - Matt Chandler August 9th, 2016.  As they wheeled me through the double doors and into the operating room, I remember pure joy radiating throughout my body. I was not nervous, I was not afraid. The Lord had given me a peace beyond understanding and I smiled as the anesthesia took a toll on me and I drifted to sleep. Some hours later. My eyes pop open and I look around. The nurse pushes something into my IV that she says will help with the pain, but I don't feel any pain. I'm in a big open room with lots of medical supplies. I look to the right and I see a man in bed. And then I remember. I use every ounce of strength in me to mutter the question, "does he have my kidney?". The nurse smiles and says "yes" as my eyelids fall heavy and the dilaudid sets in. I wake up again. My mom is in the room. I have no idea what she's saying to me because all I can think about is the man that ha...

I remember the first time I decided I was fat. I was sitting in theater class in 9th grade and one of my classmates told me to hold my arm out in front of my body. When I did, they hit the skin under my upper arm and laughed as they watched it jiggle. In that moment, I gained 50 pounds. That 5'3 110 pound high school freshman died, and a hypersensitive and self conscious version of myself peaked its evil head for the first time. Although that was the moment my eating disorder (which I'll call Ed) took over, it wasn't the only thing that sparked an unhealthy view of myself. Years of comparison, losing a relationship with my father, and the decision to define my worth in the words of other people, collectively lead me to believe that I was fat, unloved, and that the worldly standards of beauty defined me. For the next 8+ years, Ed defined me. Above my relationships with people, and above my relationship with the Lord, Ed was most important thing in my life. When I firs...

On August 13th, 2007, I spent the day in the hospital with my best friend Spencer before he passed away from cancer. It's been almost 9 years since that day, but the impact Spencer's life had on me has not faded in the slightest. In the years of heartbreak following, I made these decisions: 1. Take more pictures with the people you love. 2. Donate your hair 3 times to help girls with cancer get wigs [finished in 2014] 3. Share the love you have for Jesus with others in radical, life changing, and everyday ways. Decision number 3 has become more than just a goal for me, it's become my life motto. This is one of the ways I've prayerfully decided to live that out. About a month ago I asked y'all to pray that I would be able to donate a kidney to my friend Mariela who is in kidney failure and desperately needs a transplant. More specifically, I asked you all for, "prayers that there will not be antibodies that prevent me from donating, and that if there ...

Hello friends. (: I'd like to introduce you to my wonderful friend Mariela. Mariela is full of joy, and her steadfast faith encourages me to love Jesus more. It breaks my heart to know that she is currently in kidney failure and struggling to do the things that she was once was able to do so easily. For the past month and a half, I have been undergoing testing to be a living kidney donor for sweet Mariela to help give her a chance to once again be healthy. So far, the testing has gone well, and I have been cleared by the doctor to be a living kidney donor. The only thing that separates my ability to donate is a little bit of blood work to ensure that she does not have antibodies built up against my blood. I'm asking you all for prayers that there will not be antibodies that prevent me from donating, and that if there are, the Lord will remove them. Y'all. I fully believe that God can move mountains. There are just a few little antibodies. (: I've been hesitant to ...

My alarm goes off and I wake up feeling like I just finished a 5 mile run. My t-shirt is wet and yesterday's shower seems like it was a week ago. Night sweats are a consistent part of the side effects medically induced menopause that my medicine Lupron has given me, so I've learned to roll out of bed, take a cold shower, and move on with my day. I suppose that might gross some of you out. I suppose you might think I'm sharing a little too much on social media. But for the past three months and for the next three months, this is my life. I can't do anything to change it, so I'm not ashamed. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here to read about it.) Someone once said, "From the outside looking in you can't understand it, and from the inside looking out you can't explain it." I feel like that pretty much sums up my life these days. On the worst days, I wake up feeling like I have the flu. It's the exhausted, headac...

You graduate college and you're excited to figure out adult life. You hope for that dream job, you hope to move to a new city, or you're eagerly counting down the days 'til you get married. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Right? But it's inevitable. It's inevitable that at some point in the months after your biggest accomplishment in life yet, things crumble. Expectations aren't met. Hardship arrives. The dreams you were once so determined to accomplish seem to slip further and further away as reality sets in and adult life doesn't seem as exciting anymore. And it's in these moments that you create your future. It's not your circumstances, but the way you approach them that will define the quality of your life. So what's your vice? What are the circumstances that caught you off guard and tried to crush your dreams? For me, it's this evil little disease called endometriosis. Let's be real. I had never heard of endo befo...

Over the past few weeks, I've seen several blogposts about the negative aspects of turning 23. As much as it probably shouldn't have, it's made me a little bit pessimistic about this next year of my life. I think perspective is everything & regardless of my circumstances, I want to choose to live a life of joy. Plus, I really believe this year is going to be WONDERFUL. I decided to set goals for myself with the hopes accomplishing at least 20 of them before my 24th birthday. "Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many." 1. Take a selfie in at least 4 different countries. Because there are few things in the world that bring my heart more joy than traveling. On the agenda? Costa Rica, Mexico, Spain, & Texas. Yes, I consider Texas its own country. 2. Learn to cook I think women that can cook are classy. I strive to be a classy woman. 3. Run a half marathon. Slowllyyyy. 4. Pay off my student loans Student loan...

I am not expert in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community. I am not writing this because I think I am & I'm not writing this to convince you whether or not it's morally or biblically wrong to live that lifestyle. You're going to make your own decision-you probably already have. I don't expect to change your mind. This is for the people that profess a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and believe that his life, death and resurrection was necessary for our salvation. This is for the people that believe Jesus is the only way. This is for the christians that are condemning people to hell for their LGBT lifestyle. This is for the people that define people by their lifestyle. I've spent the past couple of days at a conference for Social Services workers in the heart of downtown Austin. These past few days I've felt like the only person here that doesn't agree with the LGBT lifestyle. While it used to be the ones that professed this ...

May 31st is in 88 days. May 31st is the day my lease ends & the day I officially don't have a house anymore. I know that people's leases end all of the time & really it's nothing out of the ordinary. Except it is. Because I have absolutely no life plans after that.  None. Zero. Zilch. I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" recently. What makes up a home? Is it people? A location? A bed? How long do you have to live somewhere before it becomes your home? When I think about "home", I think of two things. 1. Reliant K's song, "I'm taking you with me".  If home is where the heart is Then my home is where you are  It's getting oh so hard To spend these days Without my heart. (Completely irrelevant.)  & 2. Jesus had no home.  "And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." -...

Sometimes I read the Old Testament and think to myself, "Wow, the Israelites were a bunch of idiots". Today, I looked back at my life, and thought to myself, "Dangit. I'm Israel. I'm the idiot.". I've spent a lot of time learning about the Israelites the past couple of weeks. Basically, the Lord rescues them. They thank him. They forget him. He is faithful, and they are not. Over and over and over again. At some point, they end up wandering the wilderness for 40 years. Yet even in that wilderness, the Lord still provided. He was always faithful. What a bunch of idiots. I'm Israel. The Lord has been faithful to me. He picked me up and rescued me from a meaningless and loveless life. I thanked him. Things got tough, I slapped him in the face. I repented. He forgave me through the blood of Jesus Christ. He is always faithful. I'm faithful on occasion. Over and over and over again God has provided for me. How is it that i always forget h...

The Lord has been exceptionally quiet with me lately. I think i've been exceptionally loud. Things are crazy and I'm homeless after May and my car is officially totaled and I'll likely owe a few thousand dollars on it and I'm running around and I'm trying to fix what's broken and it's loud and stressful and I'm calling out to God and I'm trying to make plans and I'm asking him what to do and I'm not hearing anything and I'm getting frustrated and and and. HELLO, GOD! WHERE ARE YOU? But I can't hear anything. Because I'm yelling. & He is whispering. "Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations,  I will be exalted in the earth!".  Psalms 46:10.  The hardest thing in the world is for me to be still. I always think I know better. I want instant answers. HERE. NOW. Sometimes I suck at having faith. This morning, through prayer and the wisdom of a mentor of mine, I finally ...

Marty the Prius is dead. This is how that makes me feel: Originally, I thought his death would be temporary and that he would be resurrected after going to the doctor... but after talking to the dealership today, I found out Marty needs $10,000+ worth of work done in order to revive him. So unless the insurance guy decides he's worth fixing, Marty is no more. Here are some of the resuscitation attempts on Marty's life. I have really great friends that spent a lot of time trying to make him better, but in the end, the damage to his underneath was too great and Marty had to take a ride on the towtruck of flames.  Notice the blood dripping out of Marty as he tries to hold on... :( So how did Marty die? To be honest I don't really know... but I have chosen to blame the city of Belton. On my way back from Austin last Saturday night Marty ran over something that shouldn't have been in the road. Obviously. And while I have no clue what it could...

What happens when you graduate college & turn down the full time job you're offered, decide not to move across the world, & withdrawal yourself from grad school an hour before your first class? Does that make you an idiot? Possibly. Feel free to think I'm stupid. I won't be offended.  One of my favorite things that the Lord has blessed me with continuously is joy. Sometimes life sucks. I don't pretend that it doesn't. I cry, yell at God, and often beg him to change my circumstances. Okay, soooo I suppose that doesn't sound very joyful... Maybe by joy, I really mean to say peace.  I don't really know how to define peace. All I know, is that I didn't have it before Jesus, and I don't have it when I'm not following him.** To me, peace is an overwhelming comfort. Regardless of life's circumstances, at the end of the day if I'm doing what the Lord has called me to do, I am fully confident that things are going to be okay. Peace...

Last spring semester way by far my lowest point in college. Spiritually, emotionally, physically... I was a was a hott mess. I had to redefine normal after I came back from a semester in Costa Rica and I didn't do a very good job. Actually, I really really sucked at it. Looking back, I don't think the Lord has ever carried me the way he did during those few months. I told him I didn't want to be in Belton, so he provided me a job that made me love it here. I told him I felt alone, so he provided me with some of the most authentic friendships I've ever had. But I couldn't feel God, so I didn't attribute those things to him. All I could think about was myself. I did some stupid stuff that really screwed up those friendships and hurt the people I loved. But in those moments of selfishness and anger and depression, Jesus kept blessing me. He should have been cursing me, but he continued to carry me and bless me. The grace I got from the friends I hurt was prob...