Have you ever yelled at God? It's something I've gotten rather good at these past couple of months... Honestly? I recommend it.
It's weird because I very rarely get mad and it's even more rare for me to yell at somebody. I'll get annoyed or sad... but mad? Almost never. Yet here I am... in my car... sitting in front of Home Depot after just having spent my drive here yelling at God.
I might should say "yelling to" God instead of "yelling at" him. I'm not actually mad at God. He's just the one that gets the joy (and by joy, I mean the curse) of knowing and hearing my every thought and emotion. Today I'm yelling at God because I'm an idiot and I think I know what's best for me... Typical. But a beautiful thing about knowing God is that he would rather me be screaming & crying to him, than not talking to him at all.
Recently, I've been begging God to take a specific struggle from me. I've been pretty desperate to find freedom from it, but the Lord has continually allowed me to struggle through it. I suppose if it's not this one thing, it's always going to be something else.
I think that we all have a distinct bent in our life that the devil uses to lure us away from pursuing Jesus. Whether anger, impatience, an addiction, or something else, in our moments of weakness or insecurity, the devil knows how to insert said struggle into our life. Even if we are running full force after God, it makes us slow down and question the direction we are going in.
I'm reminded of Paul's writing in Romans 7.
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Romans 7:15-25 (ESV, emphasis added).
I find this concept incredibly frustrating. It seems that regardless of how determined I am to run after Jesus, evil is just as determined to try and bring me down.
But today, as I was yelling and crying and even using a few choice words in my conversation with God (sorry Mom), I was humbly reminded again that it's not about me.
In the quietness of my parked car, the Lord reminded me of Psalm 46:10.
"He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
He also used a Breakaway podcast from Ben Stuart that I listened to yesterday to remind me that through our trials and uncomfortable moments, he is refining us to look more like him.
And then I realized God was right. Big surprise.
My trials and temptations have drawn me to run hard after Jesus. As much as I cannot wait for evil to stop lurking at the doorstep, it's in these moments that I have a greater urgency than ever to press into Jesus. There is no greater joy than serving and loving God and I am so overwhelmingly obsessed with knowing him more.
So even though it's been a weird week, & I feel like the thorn in my flesh brought out the worst in me, I am confident that the Lord is refining me and drawing me closer to him.
Well. It's almost 8pm now, and Home Depot is about to close... and although I never actually needed to be here in the first place, I feel like I've been creepily sitting in the parking lot for far too long. So here's to a new week with a refocused goal of seeking only to glorify God. Grace is a beautiful thing.
It's weird because I very rarely get mad and it's even more rare for me to yell at somebody. I'll get annoyed or sad... but mad? Almost never. Yet here I am... in my car... sitting in front of Home Depot after just having spent my drive here yelling at God.
I might should say "yelling to" God instead of "yelling at" him. I'm not actually mad at God. He's just the one that gets the joy (and by joy, I mean the curse) of knowing and hearing my every thought and emotion. Today I'm yelling at God because I'm an idiot and I think I know what's best for me... Typical. But a beautiful thing about knowing God is that he would rather me be screaming & crying to him, than not talking to him at all.
Recently, I've been begging God to take a specific struggle from me. I've been pretty desperate to find freedom from it, but the Lord has continually allowed me to struggle through it. I suppose if it's not this one thing, it's always going to be something else.
I think that we all have a distinct bent in our life that the devil uses to lure us away from pursuing Jesus. Whether anger, impatience, an addiction, or something else, in our moments of weakness or insecurity, the devil knows how to insert said struggle into our life. Even if we are running full force after God, it makes us slow down and question the direction we are going in.
I'm reminded of Paul's writing in Romans 7.
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Romans 7:15-25 (ESV, emphasis added).
I find this concept incredibly frustrating. It seems that regardless of how determined I am to run after Jesus, evil is just as determined to try and bring me down.
But today, as I was yelling and crying and even using a few choice words in my conversation with God (sorry Mom), I was humbly reminded again that it's not about me.
In the quietness of my parked car, the Lord reminded me of Psalm 46:10.
"He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
He also used a Breakaway podcast from Ben Stuart that I listened to yesterday to remind me that through our trials and uncomfortable moments, he is refining us to look more like him.
And then I realized God was right. Big surprise.
My trials and temptations have drawn me to run hard after Jesus. As much as I cannot wait for evil to stop lurking at the doorstep, it's in these moments that I have a greater urgency than ever to press into Jesus. There is no greater joy than serving and loving God and I am so overwhelmingly obsessed with knowing him more.
So even though it's been a weird week, & I feel like the thorn in my flesh brought out the worst in me, I am confident that the Lord is refining me and drawing me closer to him.
Well. It's almost 8pm now, and Home Depot is about to close... and although I never actually needed to be here in the first place, I feel like I've been creepily sitting in the parking lot for far too long. So here's to a new week with a refocused goal of seeking only to glorify God. Grace is a beautiful thing.
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